What is Retroactive Jealousy?
Jealousy is a common human emotion, but when it becomes an obsession, it can be destructive.
Retroactive jealousy, in particular, involves ruminating over one's partner's past romantic or sexual experiences, and it can manifest in various ways.
From comparing oneself to the partner's exes to constantly monitoring their social media, it can take a toll on both the individual and the relationship.
However, there are ways to work through and cope with retroactive jealousy.
Understanding Retroactive Jealousy
Retroactive jealousy is not uncommon, and it is important to acknowledge and validate one's feelings.
It's absolutely normal to have feelings of jealousy, everyone experiences them from time to time.
It may be time to address those feelings when jealousy isn't a passing thought, but rather an obsession.
It can manifest in a number of ways, both towards oneself and towards their partners. It can lead people to compare themselves to their partners' exes, in actions, lifestyle, sexual performance, accomplishments, looks, or personalities. It can cause folks to scour their partners' social media, call people out for talking with them, and not trusting their partner, even if they haven't broken trust.
Acceptance and exploring what triggers and historical factors contribute to jealousy can help individuals gain a better understanding of themselves.
Communicating with one's partner and asking for specific support, such as affirmations, can also be beneficial in managing jealousy.
How to Cope with Retroactive Jealousy
There are a few ways to work through and cope with retroactive jealousy.
It is important to hold space for the parts that are feeling this way, they are trying to act in a way that is protecting. Working to accept, and exploring what triggers and historical factors impact jealousy is a fantastic first step into better understanding oneself.
It is also important to communicate, and let the partner in on what's being felt. The person can also ask their partner for specific support, for example, affirmations that they're sexually attracted to them if they are feeling jealous of a previous sexual partner. That's not the same as asking them to compare, but rather, to remind their jealous partner of the facts in this current relationship.
It is also beneficial to communicate about boundaries, which can help folks stop snooping around their partners' phones, stalking their exes, or constantly questioning their whereabouts.
Lastly, sometimes we need outside help, and seeking support from a therapist individually or in couples therapy, or even attending courses on how to communicate and build trust, can be incredibly beneficial in overcoming retroactive jealousy.