Navigating No-Contact With Family Members
Going no contact with family members can be a difficult and emotional decision.
It can be especially challenging for those who come from cultures or societies that place a heavy emphasis on family connections.
However, sometimes it's necessary for individuals to remove themselves from harmful situations, even if it means severing ties with their own relatives.
In this article, we'll sit down with the founder of Cadenza Counseling, Krissi Franzen, and talk about the reasons why someone might consider going no contact with their family, the benefits and struggles of doing so, and what happens when clients break their resolve to go no contact.
Ultimately, this interview aims to provide guidance and support for those who may be struggling with this difficult decision.
Why would someone consider going no contact with their family members?
There are tons of reasons someone may consider going no contact, and we can generally break it down into two categories, either they are not supportive, or they are harmful to the person's wellbeing. It's very common for folks in the LGBTQ+ community to not be supported and accepted by their family, though it doesn't always look like they are being kicked out or cut off.
Oftentimes, unsupportive family members will choose to ignore the parts of one's identity they disagree with, deadname them, or push them towards values that align with their own. Other clients have chosen to end the relationship with an abusive family member, or a family member who has unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as a substance addiction. I've also worked with clients choosing to end or limit a relationship due to an unsafe or unstable decision.
How is non contact beneficial for them?
No contact is beneficial in that it gives space for healing.
It can give someone an opportunity to be supported in a way that is meaningful, such as being affirmed in their sexual identity, and work towards authenticity.
Some people enter therapy hoping that going no contact will instantly make them feel better, but I like to think of it more like touching a hot pan on the stove.
When we put down the pan, the cause of the pain is gone, but the pain is still there. We still have wounds to heal, and honestly, might have a knee jerk reaction the next time we see a pan.
It's important to not only treat and heal ourselves in the present, but also learn how to handle hot pans in the future.
What are the struggles in going no contact? Can be both at the start and long term.
Initially, it can feel like you've lost someone.
It's often referred to as ambiguous grief, and can be very difficult because that person is still there. You may experience the stages of grief; denial ("they'll come to their senses"), anger ("they'll be hurt by me not being there"), bargaining ("if only I was able to act this way"), depression ("what do I have without them?"), and acceptance ("this is hard, and the right choice for me"). You may fluctuate between the stages, and as with grieving someone who has passed, you move through and carry this grief with you, you don't ever move on from it.
It can also be difficult to navigate how to maintain relationships with other people who you have in common with the person you don't have contact with. For example, some of my clients have seen it impact the relationship they have with their siblings when they no longer have contact with their parents, either because their siblings disagree with their decision, or because they don't see them as often by not participating in family events.
Sometimes, people in our support system have different values surrounding cutting off family members. While they may voice them out of care and love for us, it can sometimes be incredibly painful to be told to hide parts of yourself because 'one day they won't be with us and you'll regret this lost time'.
Additionally, sometimes these relationships leave us with unhealthy habits or coping skills, which can impact us, our current, and future relationships. It can be very difficult to overcome these, and take time and compassion for ourselves as we heal and grow.
Another struggle is when clients are experiencing life events where they wish their family member(s) were there. I've worked with several queer couples where they were going to miss family members at their wedding, or when they had a child, either because they or their parents decided to end the relationship. It can be very difficult, even if there hasn't been contact for several years.
What happens when someone breaks their resolve to go no contact with family members?
When clients are considering having limited contact with their family, we work together on setting boundaries as to what is appropriate and acceptable, what they are willing to compromise on, and how they will cope both during and after the contact.
Going back to my hot pan example, learning to cope may look different for each person. For some, this may look like grabbing a pot holder, others may put a hand close to the pot to see if it's hot before touching it, and others may say they're just not going to use that pot again.
There are times where the return to contact with their family doesn't go as planned, and sometimes clients admit shame or guilt for allowing themselves to go back and be treated a certain way by someone meant to love them.
If that rings true for any of you, I want to take a moment to remind you that they were taught to respond this way over years, maybe even decades.
Relearning will take time and compassion, and there is no need to make that harder on ourselves by beating ourselves up! If you find yourself struggling to be gentle in these moments, it can often be helpful to consider how you would treat 5 year old you, your best friend, or even your partner if they were experiencing this.
How can someone know if going no contact is right for them or not?
It is a really difficult decision to make, and I would consider the following questions:
Have you tried to set specific boundaries? If so, what were their reactions? If not, I would be curious why we haven't felt comfortable bringing our needs up to them.
What needs do you have from this relationship? Can this relationship meet those needs?
How important is this relationship to you?
What are your values surrounding familial relationships?
If you were to maintain a relationship with this person or these people, how much or little of yourself would you share in order to stay safe?
When would you want to have contact with these people? Both in terms of life events (such as a birth or death), and when you would feel comfortable talking to them again (if applicable). This can change over time, and that is absolutely okay.
If we are asking for a change in behavior in order to have continued contact, what specific change do you need? I would avoid things like "go to therapy", and instead consider things like "developing skills to regulate when you are angry".